Saturday, July 31, 2010

One Year Today

One year ago today I miscarried our third child. Like any woman that has experienced a miscarriage - you never forget that day. I had just had an ultra-sound the day before, the tech couldn't really tell me anything (because it was inconclusive). I was packing to go on a holiday to take my kids to a family reunion a province away (my parents were meeting up with us and we were planning to travel together). My Dr. called, told me the 'results' of the ultra-sound (which again, was inconclusive), and I asked if he thought it was ok to travel - he gave me some information and advice on things to watch for in case of a miscarriage. Less than an hour later I knew I was miscarrying. Being the stubborn person I am, decided to go on my holiday anyway. Even though it was hard at times, I think I made the right decision - I had time to myself while driving (I love driving, it gives me time to sort through my thoughts), crying, singing (I love singing to my music in the car, lol), and thinking. At the same time I did not have time to dwell on what was happening because with two children to take care of, they needed me. Also during my family reunion there was so much going on that I was occupied. Although I'm sure some wondered why I cried easily when my children were being difficult (remember pregnancy hormones!). I was really blessed to not have been in a lot of pain or discomfort though or to have to visit an emergency room - I did consult on the phone a few times with nurses from HealthLink (1-800 number) just to make sure about a few questions I had. Once I got home from our trip I did go in to the ER to confirm what I already knew.

That night I grieved. It was official - our baby was in heaven. Even though I know one day I will get to meet my angel baby, and I take comfort in that - one still needs to go through the process of grieving, of loss. My mom gave me some really good advice (even though she's never gone through a MC), she told me to use this to pull me and my husband together and not to let it tear us apart. I needed to hear that because I had been a bag to my husband, yelling at him about little things that really didn't matter, but because I was emotional and upset about what happened it came out as anger toward him. I made the effort to consciously change my attitude and let my husband into my cocoon of grief and it did pull us together. It helped me realize too that even if it didn't affect him like it did me, he still cared and wanted to help me by sharing my sadness. The grieving process didn't last a long time, I was only 8 weeks pregnant, but I felt the emptiness, especially as friend after friend after friend announced their pregnancy. I was happy for them, but it was a reminder of my loss. (honestly in the 6 months between my miscarriage and getting pregnant again there were about 15 announcements of friends getting pregnant, not even a joke)

I am not sharing this for pity or sympathy, but to remember (for myself) and to share with others the reality of my experience - so many women don't talk about it but SO many women experience this loss. I know many people who have suffered much greater loss, so I don't want to even suggest that I know all about life's grief, just to document my experience and journey. I found that my biggest therapy was talking to other women who had gone through similar experiences - to find someone that really understood the lonely journey and could maybe help answer some of my questions. I also have found that the more I am open about this, the more women I find that have gone through the same thing. So today marks one year, I smile at the thought that I have a child waiting for me when I get to heaven - a perfect, beautiful child that never had to go through the hardships of this world. I wonder what my child may have looked like or of the future my child could have had, but most of all, I know that my little angel is cared for by my most wonderful Lord.


Goofball said...

I think sharing such experiences are important

Ellen said...

Thank you Goofball. I don't know how it is there, but I find that not a lot of women talk openly about miscarriage here. Yet it is so common, but women are carrying the pain and hurt alone. Yes so much of greiving loss is a personal thing - but there is a lot of healing found in talking about it, remembering and honoring.