Saturday, November 07, 2009

I miss my baby

I guess yesterday was just an emotional day. I just missed my baby. I would have been around 20 weeks or so.. I would have been half done my pregnancy. I miss not feeling the twirling and swirling and bumps and thumps from those little hands and feet within. Feeling the wonder and roundness and changes in my body. Going through my miscarriage I went through the initial grief although it was not a long time mostly because I was not pregnant for that long and tried to prepare myself because of the signs I was seeing that it might happen. I also have the comfort knowing that my baby is in the best possible care, in the arms of my dear Heavenly Father. Every now and then I remember, seeing a pregnant mother go by, seeing a newborn baby, and I feel the longing of what may have been. I think what brought on my feelings yesterday was the fact that I found my hospital bracelet. I have kept each hospital bracelet from when I delivered my babies, so I decided to keep the hospital bracelet from when I found out I had miscarried. A small reminder of my angel child. I think it's ok to have sad days, remembering days and dreaming days. I don't dwell on it (not that I really have time to with my two active children!) that may not be healthy - but just as everyone who has lost someone special, you have those days where you remember and ponder.
Just over 2 years ago, hours after my daughter was born :)


Carrie said...

I haven't had to go through a miscarriage myself, so I can't fully relate on that aspect, nor do I want to try to in fear of coming off sounding insensitive. But I do think it is great that you are able to talk so openly about it. For me, in the past 2 years I've struggled with not being able to get pregnant, and just talking opening about the situation really helped for me. It helped others to know how I was feeling without me personally having to explain the situation time and time again. So I admire your honesty and courage Ellen.

I like to think that for whatever reason (which may be unknown to us at the time) our Heavenly Father gives us experiences and trials that are hard, but that He knows are for our good and for our learning somehow. I know that He loves us and if we but try to understand and accept His will, He will comfort us in the best possible way. I've been thinking about you and I love you. Hope you have a happier day today.

Ellen said...

Thanks Carrie, I appreaciate your kind words! I totally know what you mean when you say that talking helps, it sure does! That's why I've decided to be open and honest about things like this on my blog. I have had several different women open up in the same way once they realized that I have been in a similar situation as they have - there is just an understanding among women that have had to deal with difficulties in child bearing, even though there are many different aspects and severities of each woman's struggle. Yes I have been comforted knowing that this is God's best plan, I trust He knows what He's doing :) Today has been a better day. I love you too Carrie and think of you often!