One Year Today

One year ago today I miscarried our third child. Like any woman that has experienced a miscarriage - you never forget that day. I had just had an ultra-sound the day before, the tech couldn't really tell me anything (because it was inconclusive). I was packing to go on a holiday to take my kids to a family reunion a province away (my parents were meeting up with us and we were planning to travel together). My Dr. called, told me the 'results' of the ultra-sound (which again, was inconclusive), and I asked if he thought it was ok to travel - he gave me some information and advice on things to watch for in case of a miscarriage. Less than an hour later I knew I was miscarrying. Being the stubborn person I am, decided to go on my holiday anyway. Even though it was hard at times, I think I made the right decision - I had time to myself while driving (I love driving, it gives me time to sort through my thoughts), crying, singing (I love singing to my music in the car, lol), and thinking. At the same time I did not have time to dwell on what was happening because with two children to take care of, they needed me. Also during my family reunion there was so much going on that I was occupied. Although I'm sure some wondered why I cried easily when my children were being difficult (remember pregnancy hormones!). I was really blessed to not have been in a lot of pain or discomfort though or to have to visit an emergency room - I did consult on the phone a few times with nurses from HealthLink (1-800 number) just to make sure about a few questions I had. Once I got home from our trip I did go in to the ER to confirm what I already knew.

That night I grieved. It was official - our baby was in heaven. Even though I know one day I will get to meet my angel baby, and I take comfort in that - one still needs to go through the process of grieving, of loss. My mom gave me some really good advice (even though she's never gone through a MC), she told me to use this to pull me and my husband together and not to let it tear us apart. I needed to hear that because I had been a bag to my husband, yelling at him about little things that really didn't matter, but because I was emotional and upset about what happened it came out as anger toward him. I made the effort to consciously change my attitude and let my husband into my cocoon of grief and it did pull us together. It helped me realize too that even if it didn't affect him like it did me, he still cared and wanted to help me by sharing my sadness. The grieving process didn't last a long time, I was only 8 weeks pregnant, but I felt the emptiness, especially as friend after friend after friend announced their pregnancy. I was happy for them, but it was a reminder of my loss. (honestly in the 6 months between my miscarriage and getting pregnant again there were about 15 announcements of friends getting pregnant, not even a joke)

I am not sharing this for pity or sympathy, but to remember (for myself) and to share with others the reality of my experience - so many women don't talk about it but SO many women experience this loss. I know many people who have suffered much greater loss, so I don't want to even suggest that I know all about life's grief, just to document my experience and journey. I found that my biggest therapy was talking to other women who had gone through similar experiences - to find someone that really understood the lonely journey and could maybe help answer some of my questions. I also have found that the more I am open about this, the more women I find that have gone through the same thing. So today marks one year, I smile at the thought that I have a child waiting for me when I get to heaven - a perfect, beautiful child that never had to go through the hardships of this world. I wonder what my child may have looked like or of the future my child could have had, but most of all, I know that my little angel is cared for by my most wonderful Lord.

Week 28/29

If you've checked my ticker you know that I am now 28 weeks (well, tomorrow), although I consider myself 29 weeks. Reason being: my official ultrasound showed baby to be a week further along than my dates, knowing what I know about conception the official ultrasound lines up better than the traditional method of calculating one's due date, also my Dr.'s ultrasound measurements are also leaning towards this fact as well. Reason why I am keeping the original due date in mind: both of my kids were overdue and I had to be induced, so I don't want to keep my hopes up that this one will be early :) I can't find my camera so I will have to update with a picture later.

How far along: 28/29 weeks (29 by my calculations)

Total weight gain/loss: I don't have a scale at home, but I'm sure it's about 20lbs by now

Maternity clothes: Mostly, although I just bought some amazing regular capri yoga pants at Costco that I love!

Sleep: sleeping really good, and even getting in a few naps a week

Movement: baby is moving a lot (which is reasuring!), the movements have become more pronounced, it's obvious that elbows, knees and feet are bumping around in there :)

Gender: if you check out my sidebar you will notice I have a poll for your guesses at what the baby's gender is - I am surprised that every thinks girl, although maybe it's because I am kind of thinking it's a girl (although not completely sure, some days I think boy). If you haven't voted yet, do :)

What I miss: being able to shave properly, lol

What I'm looking forward to: my next appointment (in 2 weeks)

Milestones: after my next appointment I see my Dr. every two weeks!!! also I have already done the dreaded gestational diabetes test (drinking that yucky orange 'pop') guess I'll find out soon if I have to go in for the 2hr hospital test or if I tested negative

A friend of mine forwarded this link to me. My other pregnancies I didn't really have many issues like this, but this time I am a lot bigger a lot sooner. So I won't be surprised to get interesting comments this time around. Check out the link :)

Wordless Wednesday: Camping Fun

I know this is supposed to be wordless Wednesday, but I need to explain this picture a little. To most this picture may not be significant, but let me tell you what it represents. K had just had a camper bath (=1cm of water bath, lol), and put on fresh jammies and was now jumping around on her own special bed (in Grandma's holiday trailer). The memories and nostalgia this picture evokes for me is incredible - the special fun of camping, as much as you don't want the evening to end, there is nothing like curling into your own special bed, fresh and clean after a day of exploring in the wilderness, eating too many marshmallows, discovering fire (I know, I know), hot dogs, water fights, and more snacks than Mom would normally allow!

Summer Marriage Challenge

I know that I didn't post last week about the Summer Marriage Challenge - there is a reason for that. The challenge for last week was: Make your husband a priority. Ask him what his favorite dinner, desert and drink are. Be sure to serve him all three one night this week. Bonus: cook his favorite dishes all week long! Not that I didn't want to do this challenge, but this week there was one day where my husband came home before 8:30pm! So it really was not feasible this week. It will have to be something that I will do at a later time for him. This week's challenge should prove to be interesting! The challenge is: Support his vision. Discuss his vision for your family. Where does he see your family in 1 year, 5 years and 10 years. Share with us how you let your husband lead. First of all I would like to mention that I appreaciate that it was mentioned that: first - listen. Listen to your husband's vision for your family. Secondly - enter into their vision and share what you dream and envision. From there see where the differences may lie and flesh those out. In the places where you do not see eye to eye - let your husband lead. I am a huge believer in discussion! I also know that it is invaluable to sit and just listen (really listen, not just hear). So I like this approach much better than just that of the challenge itself.

I know this is going to be interesting because I have been trying to find out what my husband's vision is for a while, but my husband isn't really a long term planner. That or else take into account that he's a 'dreamer' type personality and his 5yr plan should actually be in the 10 or 15yr slot because of the feasibility (he doesn't necessarily have a plan of how to get there, just that he wants to be there in 5yrs, not realizing that some things just take time especially if he is going to be as particular as he is about certain things). The other issue, he doesn't think he'll live another 10 years so he doesn't think he needs to plan that far in advance. Yes I'm serious. At first this sounds morbid (that's what I thought for a long time) but taken with two other facts about him and it's understandable how he can feel that way. First, his grandfather died at 45 and a lesser second - he has no clue of his paternal health history and believes that his bio father died young as well (yes this is a whole other issue). Anyway - back to the challenge, it may take a while, but I will try my best to find opportunity for us to discuss vision - I would really like to hear his!

Guess Who is Almost 3...

That's right, K is almost 3. You don't need to remind me, she's doing that all by herself. No, it's not that she will come up to me and remind me it's almost her birthday - more like her attitude has changed into that of a "3 yr old". Most of you with kids will understand what I mean, if you have never had children, basically you hear about the terrible two's all the time but what they don't tell you about is the 3's! Let me give you some examples of what I'm dealing with:

If I ask her to do something that she doesn't want to do (like nap time or eating), I get a combination of responses like: "Mommy, I want to tell you something", "Mommy, I forgot something.", "I'm cold" (this last one I'm not sure where she got it from, but it's an excuse to get her blanket and get out of whatever she's supposed to do). Actually, all of these are excuses to delay or get out of what she's been asked to do - as innocent as they sound! I try to be patient, but I get tired of her 'excuses' and that she is just plain not listening to me and then end up raising my voice to get my point across and she shuts down (gets all sulky, curls up, cries, has hurt feelings - she is very sensitive that way). I am open to any ideas on disciplining a sensitive yet stubborn child!!

My two biggest battles these days are meal times and nap time. Meal times, it can be tough getting her to even try her food (that has always been a big thing for me, is that my kids HAVE to at least TRY the food). Also she has started refusing to eat, (even some of her past favorite foods!) and when I finally feel like I'm getting somewhere, she want's me to FEED her (I don't think so!!). I have been putting the food on her fork/spoon for her, it seems like a compromise and helps her eat. Today for example, it took K an hour to eat supper (it took TJ 15 - 20 minutes). It is very tiring for me since it is like we are moving backwards!

Nap time, well I realize that she is getting older and may need less sleep but on days where she does not have a nap she gets super cranky by around supper time (which then lends to an even more difficult meal time!!). It's been tough because the hardest thing is getting her to use the bathroom before naptime (probably because she knows that after that it's off to bed, so she figures if she stalls that she can stall nap time). She doesn't want to wear a pull-up but she also doesn't want to use the bathroom before nap time (that is required if she wants to go to bed without a pull-up on!). So it's her will against mine! Even on the days that I do get her to bed, 50% of the time she doesn't sleep (at least it's quiet time though!!).

My hope is that between me and my daughter, we can get things figured out before baby is born! So I am definately open to ideas in figuring out what might work better for me and my girl :)

Wordless Wed.: Summertime Fun

Waterfight with Grandpa :)

Mom's - I need Your Help!

I need some recommendations. I am looking for a Christian book collection or audio book set that is really good for younger kids (about ages 3-6 or so). I am looking for something that teaches character and fruit of the spirit type topics. I remember listening to and reading the Agapeland, music machine books but they don't make them anymore. So I am looking to you to see if I can find something comparable.

Camping, Berries and Summer Marriage Challenge

Busy, busy, busy! I love summertime, even through the busy-ness :) We had a wonderful weekend camping with my parents! Of course the kids absolutely LOVED it!! (sorry I don't have pictures, I have to get them from my parents) It was SO warm - enough for a water fight! I was so lucky to have my parents there, because on Sunday my Dad watched the kids play at the park while me and my mom picked strawberries. I made my first batch of strawberry jam with this recipe, I tasted it on fresh bread on Tuesday and it is SO yummy!! All week I've been struggling with sore legs, not really sure why until I realized it was from squatting to pick berries. Guess it's not a position my legs are used to :)

I would like to thank Glimpse. I won tickets to Sesame Street Live through Glimpse and I took my kids to the show this month and they loved it! I was pretty impressed too. I love the quality of the show! They had brilliant colors, impressive light shows (my kids LOVED when the lights hit the disco ball and there were 'stars' moving everywhere!) and catchy songs that had most of the kids (and parents too) moving.

I know that I am late this week with the Summer Marriage Challenge, but I did get it done. Here is the challenge for this week: Make a list of 5 things you currently do and ask your husband to prioritizy them for you of what is important to him. I'm not going to put my list on here, but I will tell you I was a little surprised at the results. For one thing there were two items that it seems I have to push, pull and drag to get him to participate in - those two items were at the top of his list. Another thing I want to mention is a statement from the Challenge this week. The statement was: A lot of quarrels can be kept at bay if we are willing to ask our husbands their preferences and then be mindful of them. I agree with most of the statement - we can minimize quarrels if we have better communication of priorities. The part that kind of rubs me the wrong way is that we, as wives should find out our husband's preferences and 'be mindful of them'. Now I suppose it depends on your definition of 'being mindful'. Yes, it is good to know what is considered important to your husband because it does make things easier when you are on the same page, but the insinuation I sense is that his priorities are the ones that are important and you need to then just do what he thinks is important. I am more of the view that marriage is a partnership, not a one man show. If my husband's number one priority is one thing, than he should also show that it is a priority by helping/encouraging/participating in that. Also what of a wife's priorities? Should what is important on her list not matter? Can one not take two lists of priorities and combine them in a compromise? I know this can be a controversial topic, what are your thoughts? **please be nice**

Wordless Wed.: Old Man

hehe.. don't worry it didn't stay like that, I did shave it all off :)

All about my man

So I am going to start off with a bit of a recap of last week. The challenge from the Summer Marriage Challenge was to pray for your husband everyday. They supplied a list of things to pray for and I think I did fairly well even if I didn't actually go through the whole list every day - I did pray for him every day. A day after starting the challenge my husband got some news from his boss, about his job - I asked everyone to pray. Again I don't really want to go into details, but it was pretty major and it's been a big prayer item for me (and I want to thank all of you who prayed without knowing what the situation was!). At this point things are good (I believe) but I don't know if we are out of the woods yet, so it's still on my prayer list. Otherwise, I'd say we've had a really good week.

This week's challenge is to blog about the things that I admire about my husband. An interesting thing that I have heard of before I got married, and find to be true is that often the things you like about your spouse can also drive you nuts at times :) (something for the single/dating/engaged to think about) This is going to be fun :)

1. My husband has an uncanny ability to be able to talk to anyone, anywhere, anytime about anything - something I have always struggled with and even though I admire this in him, it has caused me embarressment at times, just because I would be too shy or 'proper' to say such things.


2. My husband has a generous heart. He is often doing kind gestures to others in disadvantage because he too has been there at one point in his life and he will go out of his way to do these things. Sometimes he is too generous (is there such a thing?) that sometimes he gets taken advantage of, but I suppose that is the risk of giving without expecting anything back in return.
   
3. My husband can easily say sorry when he knows he's been wrong. I admire this because I have an incredibly hard time apologizing for things.


4. I can talk to my husband about ANYTHING - where I find things awkward, he has no problem being open about.


5. I love the fact that my husband is willing and happy to watch the kids if I need a night off. Often I am a 'single' parent to my children because of my husband's job, but when he's home it's never a problem or 'hassle' for me to get out of the house to have some 'me' time. (and believe me, without it I would get completely worn out!)


6. I admire and believe that my husband is a survivor! The things he has been through in his life would break most people, and I can't even imagine going through a life like his. Even though there are scars and affects of the past (which is normal) he has become a stronger and better person through everything. Life has thrown it's worst at him, but he is still moving forward.



7. My husband is a hopeless dreamer. He has the most amazing, incredible, inventive ideas and they don't stop :) It makes me smile when I hear all of his crazy ideas :) Although some of them are really good.
   

I could go on, but I'm running out of time here. I appreciate my husband and know that I don't tell him enough. I would encourage any of you that are not participating in the Challenge to also tell your spouse what you admire about them :) **I was going to find a recent picture of me and my husband and it's been way too long that we've actually taken some together. That will be on my list of things to do :)**

24/25 weeks

Finally a pregnancy update :) It's funny how when you already have two kids that time seems to move faster! A lot of days I even 'forget' I'm pregnant until the end of the day when I relax and baby starts booting around, lol.

How far along: 24 weeks according to dates, 25 weeks according to the ultrasound

Total weight gain: 17 lbs (I wince when I think of this, but I am over halfway through my pregnancy, plus I'm just greatful that my baby is doing well!)

Maternity clothes: yes, mostly (especially pants/shorts)

Sleep: Still sleeping well, and needing naps throughout the week

Movement: I have really noticed an increase in movement and/or the force has become stronger in the last week - a sign that baby is growing bigger and space is becoming a valuable commodity

Gender: at first I was thinking boy, but for the last few months I have been leaning towards girl

What I miss: as weird as this sounds for summertime, I miss being able to drink tea whenever I want.

What I am looking forward to: hitting 30 weeks - don't really know why

Milestones: Officially looking pregnant - 2 weeks ago I finally got my first congrats without first telling them I was pregnant

Sorry for the bad photo, I could pick it apart but I'll spare you, lol.