Unsure

Today I don't know how to feel. I am unsure.

I had another Dr. appointment today. I am so excited to say that I was able to see my little baby moving around, kicking and seemed to say 'quit bumping me' :) It was also really reassuring to know that baby has grown bigger than the gestational age indicated by my dates (I am pretty sure that I am further along than what the 'official' due date is)

I am a little nervous, worried, unsure about what else the Dr. saw (altho I'm glad to an extent that he found something). I had some pain on Saturday that made me lie down for a while, my Dr. saw that there had been some bleeding by the placenta, although he said things had settled down by the looks of it. He proceeded to put me on 'light duty' for the next few weeks - take it easy and no heavy lifting. I know it's more to be on the cautious side but it still makes me a little unsure about things, so if you are a praying person, I could definately use some of your prayers :)

What I miss today...

It usually happens in spring - whether it's because my first taste of this experience happened in spring of 2003 or whether it's the last little bit of winter blues - I miss this...

(these are obviously not my pictures, mine were all on film - one day I will transfer them to digital)

I did go to all of these places though - I just love the feeling of being a part of history - as in seeing what it may have been like. Thinking of all the important events that occured in the place where I stood. It is a total different feeling. It is a dream of mine to live in the old country, although I realize that it very well may never happen (plus that would mean being removed from family!) - I can still dream right?

Off the Drugs.. :)

I don't remember if I mentioned this previously, but I was taking Diclectin (safe and Dr. prescribed) so that I could function better. I am very thankful for this drug I was able to do a lot more than without it, even though it did make me quite exhausted (yes more that normal!). Things have been going better overall for the past week and a half and so Monday night I decided to get off the drugs and see how things 'really were'. Now with that decision comes the realization that if I were still feeling really sick and I took another pill, it would take around 5 hrs to kick in, so I would have to tough it out until then. I am so happy I made the decision to stop!! I had such a great day yesterday! I got a lot of the house cleaned in the morning (although did have to take a break so I wouldn't over-exert myself). I had a short nap in the afternoon, but woke up feeling rested (not like the exhaustion that is a side affect of the Diclectin). I had no problems making supper and even got to go outside with the kids while supper was baking (it did get a little extra crispy though because we stayed outside a little too long, hahaha). I got to go and check out my garden and flower bed and see what was all growing :) It is so exciting to find a little soft green leaf, or see the pink of fresh growth!! Some of my plants that are already growing are: iris, bleeding hearts, columbine, rhubarb, tulips, crocuses, strawberry plants, ornimental plum, daisey, CHIVES (I could already use them!!), 'fake orchid' (I forget the real name of this plant), delphinium, seedum, and I think I may be missing a few :) So yesterday was a really good and exciting day for me! I'll leave you with a picture of my garden last year :)
I love summer.. *sigh*

Happy Easter!

We had a wonderful Easter weekend visiting my parents! The kids had a fantastic time and I have some great pictures to come :) A few highlights - quadding of course (this was the first time that K actually went on the quad, she was afraid of the noise before), TJ got to explore in the bush, Easter egg hunt outside, visiting with Grandpa, Grandma, Auntie & Uncle, and even 'cousins' (they are my cousins but close in age to my children) and Great Grandma & Grandpa! As we left my parents place to drive home, TJ asked, 'When do we get to go to Grandma's house again? I miss Grandma and Grandpa!' I can't wait until next time, it will most likely be when the kids have a new little cousin :) Hope you all had a great Easter weekend!!

5 Years Ago

Five years ago today was the start of our new life together. It's hard to believe it's already been 5 years, other times it seems longer :) Today I feel special, my husband made a big effort in his own funny way. He had always said that he would buy me a 5yr anniversary ring to complete my ring set - so a few months ago I went to the store where we bought our wedding bands and got the lady to write down the 'ring number' of the right ring. (I know my husband by now, and as well intentioned as he may be, he wouldn't get it right unless it was made obvious, lol) So I left the card pinned to the fridge and mentioned it to him. This week, he asked me where the card was :) This morning as he came home from his night shift he had his hands full. A beautiful bouquet of roses and he even picked out an anniversary card!! (This may seem insignificant to most, but you have to realize that my husband really has no use for cards and this is the first one I have received since early in our dating years - so to me it means a LOT) Our plans today, kids will be dropped off at their friends house for a sleepover, and we get to go for supper (which I've been looking forward to!!) and have a free evening, although we may catch a movie. Either way, it will be nice to spend some quality couple time together! I am thankful for these past 5 years and hope there will be many more!!

Time to Tell :)

So after my Wordless Wednesday I suppose I need to explain. I have been debating about when and how to announce this news. This week I was to be due with my third pregnancy, but as most of you know, that didn't work out. So I figured what better way to celebrate than announce my fourth pregnancy. I am almost 10 weeks (on Saturday), so I realize that I'm not quite out of the 'danger zone' yet, but at 8.5 weeks my Dr. had an ultrasound done and there is a tiny wee baby, head, body, arms, hands, legs, feet and a strong heartbeat! That is definately re-assuring, but I'm still not without worry. I have really been trying to leave my worries in God's hands - there really is nothing else I can do and worrying doesn't help! I don't think I have really let myself be REALLY excited yet, I think that will come after my 12 week appointment and ultrasound.

This has seemed like a long road for me, although I know it really wasn't THAT long, but I definately have learned a lot. I have learned the loss of a child, I have learned the yearning for a child (as it took over 6 months for my body to heal and be able to conceive), I have learned to have patience while 'everyone else' got what I wanted, I learned that God's will and timing is perfect. The glory be to God for the miracle of life! I know that my loss and my waiting was not extreme (I have heard of many other women going through much worse), but I have experienced enough to have empathy and understanding for those travelling lonely roads and I already have had opportunity to share and be there for another going through similar difficult times.

So how am I feeling - rotten! haha, not complaining, that's just how I feel. This is the worst morning sickness I have felt from any of my pregnancies! It has been a struggle trying to keep my house in order, kids in order and everyone fed. I can usually make lunch, but by supper, I can't seem to cook - I can't stomach it. So between take out and frozen foods and the occasional homecooked meal, we have survived so far. I want to copy something that my friend Stacey did throughout her pregnancy - a way to chart how things are going.

How far along? 9 weeks and 5 days (technically - I'll explain later)

Total weight gain? 4lbs - I'm a little discouraged (normally I don't really gain until later on) but I realize that with feeling so sick, I've had to do what I've had to do to 'survive'

Maternity clothes? yes, the under the belly mat jeans, my regular jeans still fit, but as they were tight they were making my nausea worse - anything for comfort and feeling better

Sleep? sleeping way too much! Need to have a nap every afternoon!

Movement? not yet, but I'm looking forward to it as it's one of my favorite parts!

Gender? unknown and will remain that way for the next 30 or so weeks :)

What I miss? being able to eat like normal, having the energy to do regular tasks

What I'm looking forward to? feeling baby move :) and not feeling so cranky

Milestones? 8.5 week ultrasound and looking forward to the 2nd trimester

*I please ask that any of you that I also have on Facebook, not make mention of my pregnancy on Facebook at this time.

Wordless Wednesday

*photo from About.com

When Babies Come Early*

A friend of mine had her baby boy early, 7 weeks early! 3lbs 8oz! I don't know any details, but I ask that if you have a moment please pray for this family - he is their first child and came unexpectedly early. I will try to update as soon as I have more information. *Seems baby is healthy*

What's in a name?

There are several friends and friends of friends that have been having new babies and I'm always curious to hear what names they have picked for their children. There are common names, long names, short names, hard to spell/pronounce names. I always find it interesting how a persons name can influence how you see them. When you first meet someone who has a the same name of that girl in elementary school that always used to make you cry, the first thing to pop in your head is probably a negative thought or feeling (even if it is only for half a second). If you meet someone with the same name of your best friend, you are more likely to have a positive first impression. It just seems to work that way - it's the same way with smells or sounds that are associated with memories, positive or negative.

I have an uncommon name. Although it has been made famous by a certain Ellen. When I was working in the service industry I would get wisecracks from guys on occasion, 'No, just because my name is Ellen does not mean I am gay!'. Seriously! The other day when I was calling the toll free health line in our area, when the lady took my name she gave me quite the compliment - she exclaimed how my name was so refreshing and she really liked it :) I have only 'met' a handful of people with my name. I say 'met' because I have only actually met one of them in real life, and it was brief. It was my friend Emily's sister Ellen. My insurance agent's name is Ellen, although I have never met her in person, just talked on the phone. A blogging friend Allie has a friend Ellen; I stop by her blog on occasion. I just found another Ellen through blogging, and this Ellen has one more thing in common - she is an Ellen B. too :) That's it - those are all the Ellen's I know! No, I am not an Ellen stalker, but it does make me curious about the other few people who also share my name :) So here's a shout-out to my fellow Ellen's :)
**Ellen means light**

Ordinary Miracles

I love Sarah McLachlan!